Lessons in Love

When Love Hurts:  Rihanna and the Specter of Intimate-Partner Abuse

In a recent interview with Oprah, a teary Rihanna poignantly said of her attacker, “He made that mistake because he needed help.  Who is going to help him? … I was more concerned about him.”

Commenting on the lives of others can become a slippery slope, but because of the stunning rates of abuse suffered by women at the hands of men who claim to love them, and the countless young women who will hang on the singer’s every word to their own detriment or demise, I am giving it a shot.

Rihanna told Oprah that “ … everything I knew switched in one night.”  I’ll share with you the story of Rosalia, an acquaintance of mine whose family hails from the Dominican Republic. As a teenager she fell for a man who was significantly older than she. Rosalia’s beau was critical of her every move, particularly the large, frequent family gatherings that are part and parcel of her culture.  Rosalia took note, but continued to date this individual.  She felt proud of her ability to attract a sophisticated older man; it made her feel elegant and grown up. One night Rosalia was out with her beau. The two of them hailed a cab, and in true New York fashion, a man jumped in front of them and into the vehicle.  Rosalia’s beau dragged the interloper out of the cab and broke his leg.  This was the light-bulb moment that Rosalia needed, and she promptly ended the relationship.  I share all this to say with abusive men nothing switches in one night.  There are signs everywhere, but in the flush of love or infatuation—or lust—we  often choose to ignore them.

More than 20 years ago, I was a freelance writer and editor for a major women’s magazine.  I was assigned to write a sidebar and companion piece for an article on domestic violence. In the sidebar I described the characteristics of these damaged individuals, and to keep the piece balanced, interviewed a counselor at a program for abusive men. I dutifully took notes and asked questions about the curriculum and treatment protocol.  As we were about to wrap up the counselor asked if he could go off the record. “If you repeat this I will deny that I ever spoke to you,” he warned me sternly, “but these men never get fixed,” he said, his voice dripping with disgust and frustration. That simple statement has rung in my ears over the years. 

A romantic interest, whom we will call Alexander for the sake of this piece, admitted to me that his father was abusive toward his mother, and he saw some of the same behaviors in himself in his relationship with his ex-wife.  “I don’t want to be like my Dad,” he told me, wistfully.  I felt his heart, I believed that he believed that he was trapped by his own uncontrollable responses. But the fact is, I had seen Alexander fly off at the handle during a public event.  In one second he changed from the affable, likeable guy I knew, to a shrieking, dead-eyed monster. Alexander’s tirade was not directed at me, but learning from Rosalia’s story, I did not wait for that to happen. 

Unlike Rihanna, who poignantly asked who was going to help her attacker, I was clear that the answer to that question was an unequivocal not me.  In light of an experienced counselor’s declaration that these men are unfixable, I argue that it is not the responsibility of the individual who has survived attempted murder to figure out the answer to that question.  In fact is not even her responsibility to ask that question.  Her job is to love herself first, and then to pursue, nurture and preserve relationships that honor her, that treat her body and soul as temples,  not amusement parks—or as punching bags.  That is one of the best lessons in love I can think of.

Safe, affirming love,

BE

IF YOU NEED HELP

Please call:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233

The National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673

The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline at 1-866-331-9474

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Sex and the Single Girl:  Remembering Helen Gurley Brown

Helen Gurley-Brown, the doyenne of the cleavage-bearing, sex-obsessed young woman, passed away last week at the age of 90.  Gurley Brown, who served as editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan magazine for more than 30 years, was the author of 9 books (including Sex and the Single Girl and The Late Show:  A Semi Wild but Practical Guide for Women Over 50), most of them targeted to the sexually liberated woman. She also recorded the album Lessons in Love.  Born into poverty in Green Forest, Arkansas, she bombed in some 17 mostly secretarial jobs before writing Sex and the Single Girl at the age of 40, taking the helm of Cosmo and becoming the thoroughly modern, quintessentially high-profile New York professional woman. 

I had the pleasure of meeting Ms. Gurley Brown at the beginning of my nonprofit career, when the agency I was working for honored her. When I called her office to ask her if she had any specific dietary needs for the awards evening, she chirped merrily:  “Absolutely not!  I’ll eat what everyone else is eating!”  She was charming, cheerful, and unlike many of the honorees I was to meet later on in my career, completely no-fuss.

On the evening of the awards, which Gurley Brown attended accompanied by her elegant husband of 51 years, movie producer David Brown, she chatted gregariously (and flirted mightily) with the handsome senior staff member assigned to her table—while rearranging the food on her plate.  When her name was called from the podium, she sprung to her feet, trotted to the stage and then literally leapt on it, smiling broadly; a septuagenarian sprite. I don’t remember her words that night, but I do remember the tiny figure who dazzled the room and whose iconic status didn’t disappoint. 

Gurley Brown adeptly shook off the criticism of feminists, who labeled her and her Cosmo girl as throwbacks to another age.  One could argue that by clawing her way out of  poverty and what could have been a lifetime of dead-end secretarial jobs to achieve international acclaim, she did it her way, and that is feminism enough. Rest in peace, Helen Gurley Brown.  Well done.